What defines a friend? According to the dictionary, it means, "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. " That's just the first definition but is most pertinent to my discussion here. Alright, so someone whom we know, like, and trust. Sounds easy enough, right? Except I know some friends that don't trust other friends. Does that make them friends anyway? Maybe that makes them close acquaintances. Hmm ...

Well in any case, the point of today's discussion is a spinoff of other discussions and then some. Let's get the easy parts out of the way. I am someone that many people know and most people like. Simple enough. However, who really trusts me? I know many people that do. My past problems would possibly not warrant that but I believe I have figured out my problems and solved them successfully so I can be a better friend. In any case, do all of the people I consider friends also consider me a friend? Do they trust me? Does everyone that considers me a friend also seem as a friend in my eyes? Do I trust them? It's all so confusing sometimes and I'm convinced that many people here would question if they even understand what I'm talking about.

Let me just move on a step here. Under the dictionary's definition, I have more friends than I think of myself as having. Knowing, liking, and trusting someone is not enough to be friends with them I think. There are people I work with that I trust and tell things to that I wouldn't just tell anyone. However, I don't really hang out with them and I don't really associate with them outside of work. As a result, I don't necessarily consider them a friend ... at least not moreso than a work friend or maybe work acquaintance as I would prefer to call it. You can establish a close relationship in the workplace with people without ever taking that next step to friendship. So ... what would I add to the definition? Well, I'd say a friend is also someone you want to be around at all times. Not all times all times, but would not mind hanging out with someone at any given moment in the day. I have many of those people and those I consider a friend. What else? Well, someone who calls you as much as you call them. Ah! There's a good one. Call/IM I'll say in place of just call. Not everyone I talk to ever calls or IMs me back. Meaning I start a conversation but they never will. Does this make us friends? Eh, I question it and it depends on the person really. Someone won't talk unless they have something to say. Others are quite verbose and can talk about just about anything. Take me for instance ... I'll IM someone out of the blue just because it fits my current mood. I don't really have a reason for it and our conversations don't last long but hey, I IMed them.

I know a few people who I've called but have not ever received a return call from. I call someone or IM someone on a whim to say hi and to catch up but they never make the effort to IM me. I don't consider that person a friend after a certain length of time. I'm being very careful to not name names in case people do read this that I don't know about BUT I think it's safe to say some people would know who they are. Naturally, this is not people I talk to on a regular basis.

One of these days I think I'm going to create a comprehensive list of my friends and post it here, along with a message for each of them. It's going to be tough because unlike most lists where there will be an apology if anyone is missed ... I am not going to do that. My intention I think will be to dedicate the post to my friends and to force myself to find all my friends and then post each name and a comment with each. Should be a long but meaningful journey -- especially thinking of stuff to say to everyone.

Have you ever wanted to just hug someone and thank them for being a friend? I'm not very good with verbal words ... especially recently. I can speak and know what I'm saying but recently I tend to stumble on them. I blame it on Gretchen ;-) but seriously, it's just not been my year for speaking. I think the written language tends to be more articulate and more defined anyway ... it also is more meaningful.

Today I realized who some of my close friends are. When you feel bad that you miss their call, no matter what you're doing, I think that's a show that you really care about someone. When you start thinking about what they could have called about, that starts stepping into paranoia, which I have, but that's something different. I think I have this thought in my head that I should always be available at all times of the day when naturally that just isn't possible. Some people always call me at just the wrong time, like Jared, and I'm not able to answer my phone. I feel guilty because I know they are probably going, "OK, what a jerk" or "bah, he's at work AGAIN" but sometimes it just can't be helped. :: sighs :: what am I even talking about? Does anyone know? I don't think so ... I just have stuff on my mind that I want to release.

So friendships are meaningful to me. I am one of those strange people that will worry about why someone called until they call you back ... I need to work on that. It also didn't help, as I told someone, that I was watching a sad movie and instantly you think certain things that just would be sad ... irrational. Anyway, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Maybe you shouldn't read this since you're just going to be confused anyway. Have a good night and sleep well.