Life is so confusing sometimes, ya know? Messages are sent mixed and what is a person to do? Nothing in particular comes to mind to explain this dilemma but I just feel thrown for a loop sometimes. It's hard figuring out "signals" and other such fun things. Sure, it is a challenge and can be entertaining, but other times it's more like, "ok what just happened?"

No I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm even talking about. I'm not even sure I know what I'm talking about. I could be on a wild goose chase and barking up the wrong tree per say but my heart tells me differently. What it tells me I'm not even sure.

So Kelly enlightened me to things I was not completely aware of the other day. That was nice of her though it ultimately changes nothing. It's still nice to hear so thanks Kelly :) That day was actually full of revelations ... most of which I could do nothing about but was still interesting just the same.

What to do with my life? That is always the question, right? I was talking with Megan today and said I'm staying put at Regal. The jump to Rave seems to coincide with a formal jump in career path and I'm not sure that is what I want to do. Do I know what I want to do? No. However, I watch people get frantic as "big wigs" show up at work and I don't know if I truly want to be frantically searching for ways to improve a building all the time. Sometimes enough is enough. I was considering taking a few classes at school to get an elementary education degree ... I guess added onto my certificate? I'm not even sure I know exactly how that all works but I am beginning to feel that I would have more success in the elementary education field. I could have saved myself some time if I had listened to people's suggestions before. People saw me horsing around with kids and they go, "and you're going for secondary ed?" Horsing around is certainly different from teaching them but I think I can do it with a little elbow grease. Will it happen? Hard to say. It's a fun idea for me to think about though. There's something about being referred to as a teacher that just seems to brighten the day though. Movie theatre manager? Not so much. No one goes, "oo, you work at a movie theatre?" except when followed by, "can you get me in for free?"

Ultimately I'm not really sure what I want to do with anything. I want to find a girl to be with ... preferably for a long time ... but sometimes I feel like I'm looking in the wrong place. Other times I do feel I'm in the right place too so that is where the true confusion lies. I also want to find a true career path. Movie theatre managing is a thankless job. Your customers come and go and only a few care to thank you. When teaching, you see it in a student's eye when they get it or when they are thankful for what you've done for them. They may not come out and say it but they don't have to. That is why someone goes into a profession. They want to make a difference. Some people feel they can make a difference as a manager at a movie theatre. I do not. Sure, I can do it. I used to be good at it too. However, I've gotten lazy at it now at Regal and, like I said before, going to Rave is not really a good option for me as it also comes with conceding defeat against the education profession I originally chose for myself in college.

Yes, it is possible I am just not a good teacher. I don't mean in the sense that I can't teach, I mean in the sense that my classroom management skills just lack in all the places I need to be strong. I've watched teachers handle classrooms and I've tried different techniques but at the end of the day, none of it seems to matter. Yes, subbing is different from teaching. I acknowledge that fact. Yes, I could get my own classroom and be a very effective and fun teacher who gets the message across early and often to students and has a very successful career. As of right now, I have not had the opportunity to prove myself in that way though. They look at grades and see two B's for student teaching ... then they look elsewhere. I'll confess that I did not initially believe that Dr. Sanelli was right about that. After further review, it seems she was and I was just a pigheaded kid who didn't apparently try hard enough at student teaching to earn the A's I needed to be successful. I can get good grades but when it counts most, I didn't achieve what I needed. That's what it comes down to there. Do I try again with elementary ed? Maybe. Do I waste more money at the end after failing my cooperating teachers again? Maybe. I prefer not to think so negatively. I prefer to think that I can do it.

I know what you're thinking. "If you think you can do it then you can do it." Well, here is me thinking I can succeed. Maybe I can succeed in what I have all ready chosen. I can apply for long-term subbing positions (much like being a full-time teacher only it is while a teacher is on sabbatical or out on maternity leave). The job isn't permanent but it gets my feet wet. Once you are in the door somewhere you can hunt more aggressively for the job you truly want in teaching. They see the experience and they look past the B's you got in student teaching because you're out in the field now. You're a proven case and (hopefully) the administration has high marks for you for whoever calls.

Something else that occurs to me. I graduated in December 2005 and asked for some references from professors in January 2006. I have not spoken to any of them since then but I continue to place them as references on my teaching resume. Does this mean that I will be dealt a killing blow should the school call them? Will they no longer acknowledge they are a reference? Perhaps I should recontact them and just make sure it is still OK for me to use them as a reference. I'd certainly like to give good references if I can help it. It's so hard to maintain references when dealing with something that requires certain types of references and only specific types.

I wake up some mornings and wonder ... why? Why am I getting up and going out to my mundane job again? What do I hope to accomplish today? I have family and I have friends who I believe care about me. Somehow it just isn't enough. I suppose it all comes back to that extra necessity. That need to be loved. That need to be cared about by someone. You are attracted to someone. They are attracted back. You have common interests. You laugh at each other's jokes and have a good time each and every time. You fall in love, they fall in love. You date, you go out, and eventually you go beyond that. There are rocks between the beginning and the end of it all but somehow everything always seems to work out because the love endures through it all. Sounds perfect right? OK, not every marriage makes it but I believe every marriage makes it when both people are interested in its success. When both people are motivated to keep the love, fun, and friendship alive. Yes, I said friendship. You can't just be there and grow apart forgetting that you had things in common. You need to keep those interests and do things with that person. Sitting around all day every day is not the way to make it work.

:: sigh :: sometimes I forget what it is like to hold someone or be held by someone. That is not good. My memory is pretty crappy as it is, I don't need to be forgetting important things.

Life moves on and so should I.