Many of you all ready know but Emily and I broke up (officially). We "grew apart" and decided to go our separate ways.

The problem with that statement is it requires people to have changed. People who know me realize that I'm not much of a changer ... I'm pretty static. What this means is she became something I was not and felt she could no longer have a good time with me. That is probably true. I have different interests from her. I have different goals. I have different ideas of fun. However, I don't think growth actually had anything to do with it.

I'm not accusing or anything. That is not my goal. All I am saying is I believe she attempted to mold herself to be similar to me to appeal to me. She knew that I didn't like certain things and she (apparently) tried to phase them out of her life for me. That's very kind and all but everything comes full circle and people will set back into what they are really interested in. When that happens, the feeling of "growing apart" occurs even though it is more likely that one party (or both parties) grew towards each other at some point to make it work.

It was a good time. I loved her and still do actually. If she reads this, she will probably be mad at me, and maybe rightfully so. However, this is my thought on everything and sometimes it just needs to be put out there so I can rest it from my mind. In my mind, I do not feel I have changed. She admitted to changing at least one aspect of her life because she knew I didn't like it (smoking). I suspect the other aspects were never changed but just suppressed to attract me.

This is a message for anyone who ever thought of changing for someone. Don't do it. You won't be able to maintain the shroud you put on to appeal to the other person. I would not expect someone to change for me just as I don't think they should expect me to change for them. Relationships are about compromise, not complete alterations. Many times it is hard to tell the difference but, at least in my case, I think it is obvious -- at least now -- what occurred. I am not angry about it. I do wish I had known that she had very different interests than me rather than just slight interest differences as I originally thought. I enjoyed my time with her but perhaps in the end it would have been better to have been friends through these two years (a little longer now) rather than becoming more when we were clearly and ultimately incompatible no matter how we tried to fight it. I knew it at the beginning but then thought maybe I was wrong. Like I said before ... ultimately things revert to their original state and that state was something different from how I am (I'm not referring to her as a thing, just her status with certain elements of life).

I'm a bit hurt. I won't lie. When you love someone as I do, it isn't easy to let go. I only wish she felt the same way but I know, at the end, she lost her feelings for me and moved on before we even admitted it. For now, I'm single and back to "square one" as they say. We're friends (hopefully still even after this post), but we were much more once and she cared for me as I cared for her. I have letters to prove it. Still, she's moved on and I will have to do the same when I am ready.