Have you ever looked around and said, "is this really me?" I have. I've looked at myself and wondered what I could do differently to be a better person. Are the flaws I have something that cannot be erased? Are they something that cannot be controlled but are imbedded in me? I know I'm not perfect. It's very clear when I turn against friends for my own personal gain that I have much to learn. Sometimes you just need to take your own hit. You said something or did something -- it's time to live up to it. I don't know that this refers to something specific but I know it reflects something from the archives as well as verbal conversation. I'm not proud of everything I've done. I can tell that people care about me but I wonder if I'll ever hurt them like I've hurt some friends of the past. Will it happen again?
Thinking about all of this gives a headache something fierce. What sort of person was I to say certain things that I said and then to try to cover them up only hurting others instead? In one particular scenario, I no longer talk to one of the people and the other has forgiven me although I sometimes question if I was worth forgiving. I guess I hope so but was I really?
I know I can be two-faced. I'm not proud of it ... it's tough. I'll say something about someone and then turn around and pretend they are my friend. I'll look someone in the eye and lie to them just because I don't want them to hate me ... don't want them to think less of me. In essense, it seems I'd rather think less of myself than have others do so. Wise choice? I am not so sure.
The truth can hurt, but the alternative can be worse. I'm not sure that is so much of a "saying" but I certainly believe it. There are those that I am truthful to. I won't list them because then people not listed will go, "so what have you lied to me about?" I wouldn't be able to point to a particular thing anyway. I think I'm more of a "chronic liar" then anything else. It comes out and I even believe it at first until I think about it and realize it's just not the case. I don't know. Just some much built up inside me. I try to be a good friend ... I haven't really made any real mistakes with close friends in a while, which pleases me. Just the same, I wish I had no one that I turned my back on. No one that I laid an egg on in my goal of saving face. I remember some of my old friends. They were good friends ... I enjoyed their company. That was until I said something that wasn't really true. They heard about it or I said it to them directly and then I realized what I had done and attempted to cover it up. Did I mean what I said or am I shallow? It's a lose/lose situation in either case.
I could just hide and interact with no one. No one would be hurt except for myself. Isn't that the safer route? No, I don't think so. I believe I've learned from my mistakes ... too little too late. I haven't had any drastic "lie" or "cover-up" and I've been more careful with what I say before I say it (although if you hear me speak you may question if I think at all when speaking :: coughs ::). For all intents and purposes, I am a changed man I guess. Still ... there is that past. That haunting past that will forever exist. To learn from the past is beneficial but wanting to erase it is natural I suppose.
All a bunch of disarranged thoughts. I doubt many will make heads or tails of any of it. This is my place to ramble though and ramble I shall. Have a good night and pay no heed to my rambles ... just mindless thoughts that will pass by quickly.
2 comments:
Just because you do that, doesn't mean your a bad friend. I'll admit i do it sometimes too. I am not proud of it either. People just have to understnad that everyone (even me oddly enough) has a want or need to be excepted/liked. It's not very uncommon. It just happens, sometimes you don't even mean it, or you don't want to say it. Your friends should understand it, because i am sure they do it to people sometimes too =)
-Tiffany
To your credit you seem to always be thinking about what kind of friend that you are. I don't think that most people ever do.
To hazard a guess from your writing I think you're at a major crossroads in your life. Almost everyone has a tremendous capacity to alter themselves. Few ever conciously do so, perhaps because of fear, ignorance, arrogance or some other human failing. You seem to think that you need to improve yourself, are you strong enough to make the attempt?
I have an opinion on the matter that I'll keep to myself. But I'll point out from a position of somewhat unusual experiences, that I've been helpless witness to enormous waste, destruction and evil because people of high potential refused to make the attempt.
Please believe me when I say that the world produces lots of individuals of surpassing potential, but only a few of these ever mature to actual power.
You've already set yourself apart with your career choices and more than you'd probably guess, with your concern about your effects upon others.
Anyway, you seem willing to take the first step and look long and hard into that internal mirror.
If I may offer advice in humility, beware of that tendency to lie! The mind maintains a very fragile boundary between the concepts of truth and falsehood. That boundary can be broken down, and is very difficult to rebuild.
Now, to encourage without quite letting you off that hook you've so willingly put yourself on. From what you write I think you're probably a very fine fellow, and a worthy friend. I'm a few years older than you, and I note that you're willing to work your way through college, and seem to be well concerned with not hurting others, you've made a decision to enter a career of service, and you can write heartfelt paragraphs on the pleasures of things like having hot dogs with your friends instead of getting hammered every weekend. I'd be inclined to say that if you were my kid brother or my son I'd be very proud.
Now get your bloody papers written.
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