New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl
of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to
contain?? Trout?


New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch
over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #5: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And
the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I
don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it
translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to
God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's
next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called
'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule #10: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll
go nuts and eat two.


New Rule #11: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months
(e.g. 27 Months.) 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you
want fries with that?'

Thank you, George Carlin.