Death has a way of making you think. Someone you love dies and you start flowing forth with thoughts. Did I tell them I love them enough? Did I show that I care? Did I appreciate their being around when they were here amongst us? All good questions ... all questions that one can never answer.

Think for a second. Can you ever tell someone you love them enough? Can you ever show someone how much you care? Can you really prove that you appreciate someone aside from telling them so? I don't think you really can. No matter how much time you spend with someone. No matter how much you try to make it known that you care, that you love, or that you admire them ... at the end of their life it never feels like enough.

Why do I ask these questions? Well, for the first time in my adult life, I lost someone close to me. Sure, I have lost family members before. In each case before, though, I either did not have many in depth conversations, did not spend a lot of time with them, or did not see them that often or regularly. Also, when you are a kid, adults don't have heart to heart conversations with you. You have to grow up first and then they will sit down to talk. It's just the way of the world and I understand why ... kids have a different viewpoint on life and the conversations can only go so deep when you're young ... the attention span isn't even there.

Anyway, my grandfather (Charles Sr.) passed away on the first of this month. It was sudden, but fortunately quick so he was not suffering for a long time. My grandmother and grandfather went on a cruise around the world. 4 months touring the world. Beautiful, right? Well at the end of this cruise, my grandfather laid down to bed and then had a heart attack. He survived the initial attack but they had to give him blood thinning medication to attempt to dissolve the clot. They were 7 hours from shore and they were not certain that the clot wouldn't cost him his life. Unfortunately, my grandfather was prone to strokes (he had one back in 1988 that nearly cost him his life but he survived that time). The combination of heart attack and stroke was too much and, sadly, we lost him.

Did I not love my other family members that I have lost prior? Yes, I did. However, as I said before ... I was younger. The bond was different. I suppose it is hard to explain unless you also experienced it but, while I was sad at the passing of my other grandfather, my great-grandparents, and so on and so forth ... this one has hit differently. For one, it hasn't even hit until now. I was choked up when trying to talk to him last Friday. I was sad at the funeral today and at the wake yesterday. However, it was not until I was back home and sitting here doing ... well ... nothing, that I realized the full impact of the loss. My grandfather and I had quite a few good talks with one another. These talks were all in recent past as I was old enough to hold intelligent conversation. I no longer drove cars around on the condo carpet. I sat down and talked with both of my grandparents, but especially Grandpa. We talked about trivial things, we talked about serious things, we talked about whatever came to our minds. I know I enjoyed the conversations and I believe he did as well. When I look back on them, I think of them with fondness. I also think of them with sadness because I know I will not be able to have another one of those conversations with him until it is my turn to pass away from this world.

Death is never easy. I realize that death comes in phases for those that still live. There is the denial phase. My grandmother was going through the same thing ... thinking or hoping it was all a dream and just a big nightmare that would surely end soon. Anger ... I experienced that one almost immediately. I asked why didn't they see that the stroke was going to happen ... I knew it was going to happen as soon as my mother mentioned that they gave him blood thinner. Acceptance ... the phase I have just begun. I now realize he is gone but it hurts to think about it. It seems easier if I were able to cry but I really haven't been able to do that in a long time. I feel sad. I feel choked up ..... I do not cry though. It would definitely be easier if I could.

I remember the condo. I remember helping him down the stairs, helping him around. I remember helping put his foot in a new pedal mechanism to give his legs a workout. I remember trying to catch him as wind caught hold of him and almost pushed him backwards. I remember him sitting in his chair at Celtic Way (Parsippany) and at his chair at the condo. I remember seeing his face time and again ... proud of his family and truly happy with what he had. As my father said, he was able to love two women (my first grandmother passed away when I was 1 from a car accident). He was able to go out and do things some of us only dream to do. Even with his stroke and subsequent handicap, he was able to live life to the fullest. My grandfather did not want to be limited and he did everything possible to make sure Grandma and he were able to enjoy every moment they could. They definitely did enjoy everything ... including the last four months of their life together. It was definitely a way to go out with a bang. Definitely a way that if you planned your own death, it would be a perfect ending.

I just want to say ... especially since I don't know if he heard me while he was alive ... goodbye Grandpa. We miss you ... I miss you. I believe we shall see each other again someday and I shall remember all we have talked about until we can be together again.