I think I figured it out. All this frustration I have felt recently all stems from the fact that I am a senior in college. I don't want to do my research for papers. I don't want to study for tests. I just want to coast on through and get to teaching.

That begs the question though ... what if I don't like teaching? What if it just isn't for me after all this time? Then what? Will I develop a career with Regal? Will I move on? Hopefully I won't have to think about this and everything will fall into place but I'm just filled with anxiety. Oye vei.

I know this is an extension of other's blogs (Gretchen's, Amanda's ... just to name a few), but I appreciate my friends a lot. They distract my mind away from the stresses in life ... the fears of real life coming my way, the fears of how I will ever get my school work done, ... fears that may be unjustified entirely. My friends help with that. I'm more focused on laughter and having a good time than worrying about things. Take today for instance. I went with Gretchen to see her friend Lex play a tennis match (which was also televised btw). She's very good and just watching those two athletes compete and enjoying ourselves helped relieve tension on the brain. Then ... I was stressed for a bit and then Brad called and I was fine at the gym and then out eating with him, Jared, and Melissa and then watching Mean Girls with Melissa and him. Yes, that was a run-on, get over it. Then I came home and started freaking out about it again. I just don't want to deal with it but I don't want to just do the paper because I'm afraid that it'll be disorganized and crappy. AHH. I don't know.

:: takes deep breath ::

Didn't help ... crap. I just don't want to go to bed because then I have to wake up and another day is over and I'm one day closer to the paper's deadline. Gah. It's due in ... 2 weeks. That seems like a long time but it'll be here sooooo soon and I'll be sooooo screwed if I don't finish it. That's for damn sure. Yes, damn sure, not just sure because it doesn't emphasize enough.

Anyway, I'm glad my friends are around to help me relieve tension. Otherwise I'd be a ball of stress and nothingness ... plus I'd be lonely since I'd have no friends.

You know what another fear? It's actually a fear that Chris M had a few months ago about friends leaving. Mine isn't so much about friends "leaving" me so much as going away to college or what not. I dealt with this once and managed ... but now it's going to happen again because I went and became friends with high schoolers. So now ... yeah, have to go through it again. I like being friends with them but I don't know if I want to go through the separation anxiety that I had last time. Of course .. many of them just left and I was then like, "wait, where'd they go" I just ... gah, this probably is making no sense. I just don't want people to go. I want them all to stay local so I can see them every day at any point whenever I want. Selfish? You bet I am. :-[ I just miss people too much.

OK, I'm done moping and being sad and stuff. Time for laughter.

Haha, weeeee

Mike saw me on TV today. Tonight really. Evidently the camera caught me in the act of sitting around and doing nothing or maybe just standing around doing nothing while at the tennis match. If only I would have known ... I would have gotten my agent to sign me a deal or something ... or I would have done nothing since I have no agent.

I'm shaking my head like all of you can see it. I just can't be funny anymore. I'm burnt out. People will hate me now as I just turn into a weenie when humor leaves me. Gahhhh (multiple h's really doesn't do my word justice because it just causes me to emit large portions of my breath in a "hhhhh" fashion but the word has effectively ended). :: sighs :: night.