I consider humor a competition. When there are other "humorists" I find myself trying to be funnier, or rather not even trying but just being funnier, than if I'm the sole "humorist" in the area. For those that know me and if you think about it, I tend to "shine" in small groups than when it is just one person besides myself. This isn't to say I don't appreciate making only one person laugh, but when there is someone else that can take that shine away from me ... someone else who I can compete with, I naturally just try harder I suppose. It's almost involuntary.

In the same way, I also find myself getting jealous when someone laughs at what someone else says and I don't have a way to bring a laugh in myself. Absurd you say? Maybe, but I have been that way since I was in 1st grade. I've always been a "humorist" (I put humorist in quotations because it is a term I am using without it necessarily being a proper term). From as far as I can remember, I have enjoyed being funny and making people laugh. My humor has changed over time, naturally, although I've always been able to make people laugh of all ages. This is unusual for a child as humor tends to mature and become more humorous to an older generation later on but I seemed to possess the ability to make people laugh anyway. I had thought once that it would be best for me to become a stand-up comedian. That's all fine and dandy except I cannot "write" material so I would stand there and wait for something to pop in my head, which is not always reliable.

Still ... I enjoy making people laugh. It is my purpose in life I have decided. One of my biggest fears at this point is that I will become a teacher and be unable to make my students laugh. You think I'd be able to since I'm only going to be 22 when I get out of school and still understand their humor at that point. I dunno. I do know that I will develop into an older person at one point and my jokes will cease to be funny to anyone. I also fear that point in my life and pray I am able to avoid it. I don't want to be one of those Dad's that the kids just stare at him and go, "did he just speak?" Yeah, I'm not looking for that.

I actually believe I have lost my edge on humor. When I was younger, I felt I was funnier than I am now. There was a time when I could make someone laugh for several minutes at a time. Jason Kich. and Sophia Z. experienced one of those situations. I made them laugh for I would say about 5 minutes straight where they were weasing/tearing as I continued speaking fluently causing more laughter. That was my element right there. I think I have lost that. I have recessed now into the "stupid" humor where I say something dumb and it brings out a laugh. My latest one I can think of is, "yeah ... burp ... ha" and everyone starts laughing or squirting soda out of the nose. Now, that may have been funny and I intended it to be but it's different from the "old days" when I could tell a story and have it be hilarious just because it was me telling it. I long for those days but they are gone I fear.

This takes me to another thing I've been having recently. I have been reflecting on life. Reflecting on the past ... friends I used to see all the time, friends I still see but have memories with. All good stuff. I regret not talking to certain people anymore that used to be friends. I have to remind myself why I stopped talking to them and then I realize it was rightly so that I did. Yes, rightly so ... but I was reflecting on all the laughs, the high school life, the social climate that high school brought. I miss it. That was 4 - 6 years ago that I now reflect. Seems like only yesterday. Hanging around with Jason Kich, Shannon, Sophia, Kelly P., Laura, Jared, Brad, Chris ... others that I forgot to list because I'm tired and would be here forever ... all good times. Now I see most of these people and still have good times with them and others that I no longer talk to much if at all but that's not the point. Reflecting on the past. Reflecting on the good times of the past. Remembering times like stage crew and the road trip. All good times never to be had again. :: sighs ::

Everyone wants to get out of high school. Everyone wants to move onto college. I want to go back to high school. I want to experience the close ties with friends that I had there. Kutztown is a different school, different environment ... just different. I know very few people there and I don't really have a problem talking to people but I don't make friends. I don't know how to make friends. They usually are the ones that make friends with me as I have been thinking about. Gretchen, and Chris M. for instance. They asked for my SN and then started talking to me online. I didn't have a problem with a friendship there but I would have no idea how to start one. I just exist and those that want to be friends pursue it I suppose. I want to make an effort but do not know how. Anyway, yeah, they started talking to me online and then Chris invited me to Gretchen's and I took that "next step" in getting friends ... in fact, making friends at that point.

How to make friends without ties is my problem. I met them at work and talked to them at work ... almost a "forced upon" situation at first not that I minded but still. You know what I mean. School is a different ball game. There are no forced extended conversations with people. No forced contact that would result in, "hey, we should hang out." Nope. Nothing like that. That's what dorm life is I suppose but I don't live at the dorms. Am I missing out on college life? Maybe. The real question is ... do I want college life. Would I be able to focus on college if I was there? I have no idea. I never tried.

I apologize if these thoughts seem random. I am just unloading what I have been thinking about today. I had to read 35 pages and write a 5-page essay on it. That gives you a lot of time to think ... believe me. I think reading stimulates the brain in more than just the area you are reading about. It stimulates all sorts of things. I was reading for a while and stood up to blow my nose. I turned around and noticed the painting on the wall. It had been there for years but for some reason it stood out at this particular point. I admired the painters ability to make the scene 3D even though it was only a 2D canvas. The detail and scenery was emaculate. A great job by the painter. I was thoroughly impressed. Then ... back to reading. Maybe I should read more often. Maybe it will help expand my mind and free me of the bind my mind suffers with a lack of creativity. Who knows, maybe I will be funnier again ... funnier without having to say something wrong or sing something wrong or talk about "hair problem zones" although that was quite funny, I do admit. Gee, now I want to go to a park. Oh wait, it's 1:30 am, I better not.

I guess that is all. I'm really surprised if you all read this far. May I suggest filling out the survey only a few pixels down and putting it in the comments section? Gretchen did it, you should too! OK, I'm done. I should have been asleep by now. Have a good evening and happy b-day to Brad.